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  • #61
    Dear Mother and Dad:

    It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

    Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

    Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

    Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

    I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

    Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

    Your loving daughter,
    Dorothy

    My Buddies are Marion, Kimbob, Jazziel (RIP), Wolvsie35, Crops2dawn, Makeyesup, Kazr, Moonfairy, Moonlightpearl, and scrappyaggie48

    Comment


    • #62
      To Granny!!!!

      Originally posted by Granny View Post
      God helps us, whatever possessed me to start this.... I'm on my third box of Depends!!!!!


      Granny,
      There is a web site that sells Depends wholesale, Want me to find it for ya? hehehehehe


      My Bud's 'R' Marion, Verleen and Jormanoy
      Love is not blind. It sees more not less and because it sees more, it's willing to see less.

      Comment


      • #63
        The cookie thief

        A matter of perspective
        The cookie thief

        A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
        with several long hours before her flight.
        She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
        Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop,

        She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
        That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
        Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
        Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.

        She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
        As the gutsy “cookie thief” diminished her stock.
        She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
        Thinking, “ if I wasn’t so nice , I’d blacken his eye !”

        With each cookie she took, he took one too.
        When only one was left, she wondered what he’d do.
        With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
        He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

        He offered her half, as he ate the other.
        She snatched it from him and thought “oh brother,
        this guy has some nerve, and he’s also rude,
        Why, he didn’t even show any gratitude!.

        She had never known when she had been so galled,
        And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
        She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
        Refusing to look back at the “thieving ingrate”.

        She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
        Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
        As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
        There was her bag of cookies in front her eyes!

        “If mine ARe here”, She moaned with despair,
        “Then the others were his and he tried to share”
        Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
        That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!

        Comment


        • #64
          Heehee So funny everyone, having a great laugh here, thank you Granny for thinking of this,keep the laughs coming everyone

          a couple more for you

          A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
          The audience would be different each week, so the magician
          allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
          There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
          shows each week and began to understand how the magician
          did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
          middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is
          hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards
          the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do
          anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

          One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
          himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot,
          of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
          This went on for a day and another and another.

          After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the *%#*#* boat?"
          Last edited by Kazr; 04-07-2007, 09:43 PM.

          Comment


          • #65
            A husband and wife were having
            dinner at a very fine restaurant when
            an absolutely stunning young woman
            comes over to their table, gives the
            husband a big open-mouthed kiss,
            then says she'll see him later and
            walks away.

            The wife glares at her husband and
            says, "Who the hell was that?"
            "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my
            mistress."
            "Well, that's the last straw," says
            the wife. "I've had enough! I want
            a divorce."

            "I can understand that," replies her
            husband, "but remember if we get
            a divorce it will mean no more
            shopping trips to Paris, no more
            wintering in Barbados, no more
            summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti
            or Lexus in the garage, and no more
            yacht club. But the decision is
            yours."

            Just then, a mutual friend enters
            the restaurant with a gorgeous
            babe on his arm.
            "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks
            the wife. "That's his mistress," says her
            husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

            Comment


            • #66
              GOLF

              Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
              headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
              one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
              to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down
              to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.
              I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
              me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
              minutes," the man
              replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
              clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
              finally allowed her to help.! She gently took his hands away and laid them
              to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
              tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, "How does that
              feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

              Comment


              • #67
                Hee hee hee ha ha ha!

                Comment


                • #68
                  Originally posted by Kazr View Post
                  GOLF

                  Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
                  headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
                  one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
                  to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down
                  to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.
                  I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
                  me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
                  minutes," the man
                  replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
                  clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
                  finally allowed her to help.! She gently took his hands away and laid them
                  to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
                  tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, "How does that
                  feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
                  ROFL tooo funny
                  My Buddy's Are Crops2dawn, Sue, Eye, Eng, Smiley, Kimbob, PKDoll and Autistic Wonder

                  Visit my Blog http://wordstodelite.blogspot.com/

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Excellent Kazr rotfl
                    My BUDDIES Crops, Eye, Jazz, Smile, Sue, Rosana,twpclerk, Moonlightpearl and Vanessa

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Karz... confounded woman, learn how to count... those were three jokes, not two!

                      sigpic

                      Marion , Steve, Moonbeam, Ladybug, Wolvsie, Fourfoxes, Vanessa, PinkLollipop and Winnie49 are my buddies!!!

                      Please visit my Max Store

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Karz... confounded woman, learn how to count... those were three jokes, not two!

                        Mzwizard.... Yes, please, I need to order several cases. Maybe Cannon can carry them full time in her store?



                        ps: Folks... Just a thought, this is an open forum and there are young ones that visit this place as well as very conservative oldies. For their sakes, could be keep the jokes squaky clean, and pg rated? Thank you. I know you all mean well and have not thought of this, but it may be worth keeping in mind? Hope you don't mind we asking?
                        sigpic

                        Marion , Steve, Moonbeam, Ladybug, Wolvsie, Fourfoxes, Vanessa, PinkLollipop and Winnie49 are my buddies!!!

                        Please visit my Max Store

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Yep...you're right Granny...

                          We need to keep it clean...as possible.


                          A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
                          and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
                          The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a
                          tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
                          window overlooking a lovely flower garden.



                          She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
                          started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive
                          nurses immediately rushed up to
                          catch her and straighten her up.
                          Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
                          started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses
                          rushed back and once more brought her
                          back upright. This went on all morning.




                          Later, the family arrived to see how the old
                          woman was adjusting to her new home.
                          "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
                          "It's pretty nice," she replied.
                          "Except they won't let me fart."


                          My Bud's 'R' Marion, Verleen and Jormanoy
                          Love is not blind. It sees more not less and because it sees more, it's willing to see less.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Haha,enjoying these immenselySo pleased you are enjoying my jokes & my warped sense of humour

                            Granny,
                            Sorry about *the couple* comment, I just couldn't help myself when I found the Golf one LOL..
                            Also trying to find *clean*jokes & most of mine are slightly tainted with innuendo,so will have to go looking again

                            Heres a little one for you all

                            Senators WILLIAM B. SPONG of Virginia and HIRAM FONG of Hawaii sponsored
                            a Bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival
                            in Hong Kong of the US table tennis team, after it's tour of Communist China.
                            The Bill failed to pass,cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              Lil Boy wants to get married....

                              A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
                              across the street.

                              The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid
                              his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you
                              thought it out completely?"

                              "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
                              the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I
                              get scared of the dark."

                              "How about transportation?" the father asked.

                              "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
                              answered.

                              The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

                              Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
                              you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

                              "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
                              going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
                              on it!"


                              My Bud's 'R' Marion, Verleen and Jormanoy
                              Love is not blind. It sees more not less and because it sees more, it's willing to see less.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                Ah, girls, you are good sports, thank you! And your jokes are hilarious!!!



                                In most of the United States , there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.


                                The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

                                Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

                                The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

                                Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is
                                probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50
                                miles per hour.

                                Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

                                sigpic

                                Marion , Steve, Moonbeam, Ladybug, Wolvsie, Fourfoxes, Vanessa, PinkLollipop and Winnie49 are my buddies!!!

                                Please visit my Max Store

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