Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[makeyesup]

Granny,

Thanks for the trooper joke. That one gave me a good belly laugh.

[*eng*]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street.

The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid
his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you
thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I
get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"

[*eng*]

Ah, girls, you are good sports, thank you! And your jokes are hilarious!!!



In most of the United States , there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.


The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is
probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50
miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

[Granny]

The sermon this Sunday morning at the local church will be...

"Jesus walks on water".

The sermon this Sunday evening wil be....

"Looking for Jesus".

[Kazr]

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back
of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another's
’material so much, they’ve reached the point where
they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse
each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a
number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the
others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy,
and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!"
he quips. He gets nothing. Crickeys. "What?" he asks,
"Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious,"
they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

[Kazr]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper,
and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading
that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes
. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
(David Brenner).


They say animal behavior can warn you when an
earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last
earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and
drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)



A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in
and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass
. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod
and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done
nothing but complain since you got here."

[sacannon]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must
Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is
Good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test
As it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions
Over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
Says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St.
Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
You credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: "Run Forrest, run."

[Granny]

Priceless, Kazr!!!! Cannon.... God help us!!!!!! Very funny!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day

I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

[*eng*]

Priceless all of them

[Smile]

Advice

Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring!

[Marion]

Priceless, Kazr!!!! Cannon.... God help us!!!!!! Very funny!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day

I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

I am a customer service rep for a safety supplycompany and I got a call from a gentleman wanting to know how much fit in a 55 gallon drum!!!

[jazzieal]

Sue...please order about 50 cases of depends...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

[Granny]

Yeah!!!!! I like that one Jazz!!!!

[sacannon]

Sue...please order about 50 cases of depends...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

Yep, I think were going to need them Jazz! They are on order!

[mswizard]

thought this was cute

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ROFL...that is gonna be me!

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. !

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!